Sex and Evil Shirts

I have been told that the novel I am working on needs more sex… Really? Does it really?  Aren’t we all a bit over it? I have had enough of being suffused in grady sex (yes - that is a word; check my dictionary included above). I am sick of it! It is everywhere. Can't we just get on with the story please?
Now don’t get me wrong - I am all for a good kiss now and then, (I reserve the right to discuss kissing at length later but I feel it will distract from the amazing airtight argument I am having here), and we could all use a bit more love in our lives. But let’s be honest, we all know what goes on during sex. We don’t need to talk about it in any great detail do we? Do we?

I have had enough. I like sex, don’t get me wrong. But do we need to know all the ins and outs, so to speak? I mean we all know it is NEVER like it is in the movies or on TV.  It is probably because I have been doing too much catching up on Grey’s Anatomy episodes lately but, how on earth can you sleep with so many people? I mean, I realize they are all gorgeous but, seriously! We all have insecurities about our bodies; how can you just get over that, with EVERYONE. I mean, why don’t they just save time and start treating people naked. It would save so much time. They could just do surgery and then have sex right away, no passionate tearing off of clothes or anything. Which by the way is also NOT as great as it looks on TV! Your hair almost ALWAYS gets caught when you try to yank your shirt off and I tend to panic if I can’t get my shirt over my head in one fluid motion. I mean you never really know… this could be the day your shirt is actually trying to kill you… (Shirts really should not be trusted. I have been caught in more than one in my life. They are shifty and tight in all the wrong places. ) What if you are trying to be all sexy and ripping clothes off and today REALLY IS the day your shirt tries to kill you!? 

And what is all this slamming against walls? That could hurt you know, which is just distracting. How can you be like “Oh yay! Sex! Ouch, you just slammed me into a wall! Hey! Now my back hurts.” It just doesn’t work.

Not to mention all these people having sex on counter-tops and dinner tables. I mean, come on! You know you will just have to clean that later. And thinking about NOT cleaning that later, makes me throw up a little in my mouth.  And what is sexy about thinking how gross this is and how you are going to eat dinner there later. I mean, maybe it is a new diet technique. Most of these people are pretty thin, so maybe they just never eat again. I guess that could work?? But really, if you are going to have sex, you should really be thinking about sex and not about how gross it is to have your butt on the dining room table. Personally I don’t even think people should be sitting on the couch without at least underwear on, so let’s just keep the naked stuff to the bedroom and the bathroom.

So to sum up to my critics, I am NOT sexually repressed. I just think everyone should be having SAFE sex. Safe from STD’s, safe from “not ready to be pregnant”, safe from injuries, safe from germs and MOST IMPORTANTLY, safe from the ever-present threat of death by shirt. (That’s real you know! They are out to get us, wandering around with their beady, button eyes and ending up in the laundry basket when you are sure you haven’t worn it this week. Just DON’T trust them is all I am saying… especially turtle necks... you know they are the leaders of these devious gangs, always ready to strangle you while pretending to be all warm and nice... just don't trust them. Yes, you should definitely wear them, but see? That is where they have us trapped.... like a dictatorship. We need them but they might turn on us at any second. I am just sayin...)