You get a puppy and people tell you it’s not the puppy that
needs training it’s you… I am not convinced this is entirely true. It seems like for the most part I am
perfectly trained. I can go to the bathroom where I should - behind closed doors
and into a receptacle that makes it all disappear. Often, not always, I find I
am able to greet strangers without jumping on them. Next I feel like, and
correct me if I am wrong, if I grab something that isn’t mine and start chewing
on it and you say, “Hey that’s
mine! Stop chewing on it!” I would stop. If I don’t (maybe I think you are
being unreasonable or something and I should be allowed to chew on your stuff) I
know for sure that if you are mad at me and try to take the thing I have not
stopped chewing on, I would not start a new game where you have to chase me for
an hour. Yet I have been told I am the one that needs training.
I have never had a dog so I am
willing to admit that everyone else may be right but I am growing suspicious
that there is a new conspiracy. Puppies. They came along so cute and the face!!
And so much love!! And they are so excited about a teaspoon of peanut butter…
or treat… or a stick… or a rock… heck a bit of dirt is AMAZING. So there we are,
minding our own business, with our semi-functional lives and the puppy comes
along and goes I AM SOOO CUTE! And we are like, you are so cute; and then, when
we are all sleeping (sort of because the puppy loves us so much he wants to see
us all night) the puppies play subliminal messages that say yooouuu neeeeed
trrraaiinniinng… noootttt meeeeee. And we wake up and book “puppy school”.
Now this seems to be a misnomer
because I have spent a good deal of my adult life in what we traditionally call
a “school”; there is order, assignments and I rarely get any treats. However
puppy “school” seems to be an entirely different place. Our new puppy, Sir
Percival Bryan Jones, has taken us to puppy school. Now we were told it is a
bit difficult for the puppies the first day; they can be quite afraid and tend
to hide between their “master’s” legs. I put quotation marks around master
because who are we kidding… really? So our new puppy arrives and runs up to the
teacher to say hello which means jumping on her and nipping at her pants. Then
he spends the next ten minutes, while all the other normal shy puppies arrive,
barking and trying to get off his leash to go meet them. Now the other puppies
are pretty sure their owners have brought them to the horrible dog place with
tiny scary puppies. Then I spend the next five minutes hoping the other people
don’t know I came in with this particular puppy by hiding my face in my hands.
Thinking if I can’t see them then they can’t see me. Later, it occurs to me if
I had convinced them I did not come with Sir Percival they must have been
wondering why someone with no puppy came to puppy school. Maybe they thought I
was taking it all very seriously and everyone, even those with no puppies, need
training. Because clearly we have all been brainwashed. Anyway, all my trying
to blend into the background was for naught because they had us sitting on tiny
benches like ones for small kittens and my stupid body is in rare stupidity
form at the moment; so every time I had to get up or down, Al had to try and
control our “enthusiastic” (teacher’s word) puppy and lift me up and down off
the hobbit bench until finally they offered me a chair. I kept saying I was
fine but apparently I’m not as convincing as I used to be. Or perhaps it was
because I was saying I was fine with my face in Al’s chest because I had
toppled forward after he helped me up. So it sounded more like mmm firn. Which, as we all know, means
please bring me a chair in martyr language.
So now I will be known as the demanding person who brings her own servant
to lift her off things with the “enthusiastic” dog.
Otherwise what we learned at puppy
school (and this is where the conspiracy really starts to take shape) is that
treats are for all things. They get treats when they sit and when they lie
down. Now this in-and-of-itself should be enough evidence of a conspiracy
because really, sitting and lying down are so much of a reward already. So you
would have to have a pretty significant network of conspirators and years of
planning to achieve this coup. I mean, if I could swing it, every time I sit or
lie down I would have little cookies or chocolates hand fed to me. This clearly
is an excellent start to a conspiratorial plan. But it got worse and this is
where it all was confirmed - a conspiracy in world domination proportions. As
they were playing, we had to walk up to the puppies, grab their collar, give
them a treat and then let them go play again “immediately” (teacher’s word). So
now they were getting food delivered while playing. We humans have things like
this but usually we don’t make the delivery people pay for it as well as bring
it. In the end though we did learn a little about our puppy; it seems he is the
perfect sibling for Amelia. He had to make sure every puppy knew that this
place was not puppy school as advertised but a secret puppy Disney Land and he
was not satisfied until EVERY puppy had experienced the full epicness of this
utopia. There was a very scared and shy puppy that would have been quite happy
hiding the entire class. We were told to please not approach her as she had a
very bad start to life and approaching her might just send her over the edge of
insanity. Percy, pretending not to understand English (as he does often with
words like “no”), decided this was a stupid rule and despite terrible starts in
life (he himself was rescued from a dumpster at one week old) everything should
be fun from now on and he managed to get even her to play. Every once in a
while, (between knocking over all the other puppies; it was like his own personal bowling alley) he would sneak into her
hiding place and coax her out. Once that job was done and it was time to go, we
walked to our car and our little guy planted his butt firmly on the ground
refusing to get in the car. They did not teach us what to do with this scenario
and we had no treats because they were supplied by the school. Plus we understood his dilemma: he didn't know if he was ever going to return to this Shangri La and staying seemed way better than leaving. So Amelia and I stood
guard so the other students (people and puppies) could not see us pleading with
our tiny lump of fur to get in the car. In the end we remembered we were bigger
than him and Al quickly scooped him up and placed him in the car.
So what did we learn in our first day
of puppy school? We weren’t giving him enough treats. So now he gets more treats
everyday as we try and coax him into believing we are the masters here. Treats
for sitting; treats for coming inside; treats for getting in the crate for a
nap; treats for lying on the couch. They have us all fooled I’m telling you.
But I must say if you have this unbridled power to control the species at the
top of the food chain and you decide to use these powers to get more cuddles,
yummy treats, and eventual championship title holders for man’s best friend you
can hardly be considered evil. In fact we could all learn something from these
guys. Yes I am talking specifically to you cats and corrupt corporations (I see
no distinctions between the two species). Why must you always use your powers
for evil? What is your problem exactly?
Here are some photos they are blurry because Percy was moving at hypersonic speed and Amelia was trying to take photos on the sly.
You can see here: Percy barking and straining on the collar while all other puppies sit patiently waiting for orders
