You would think over the years that we have
gotten better at communicating through our language barrier. However, a couple
days ago, I was trying to book tickets to the States. They are on sale so I
called him at work to look at dates. He couldn’t talk right then so I kept searching
until his lunch break rolled around; I called his cell, no answer; five minutes
later no answer. When he finally calls me back he said he had to get a haircut.
“Had to.” There was no other time this week or next that he could of done it -
just right then today. He didn’t have an appointment or anything he just HAD TO
walk across to the barber and get his hair buzz cut. I said, "that is ridiculous
because I also had things I needed to get done today but instead I am trying to
book tickets" and then he said he had to go and there was nothing he could do
and then hung up. I nearly broke my hand slamming the phone down on the
counter. (Surprisingly, the phone was fine and the counter is fine too… even
more surprising was the amount of times I slammed it and it still survived. It
was good though because I may have tried to throw it in his face when he walked
in the door. I was planning a very elaborate ambush including the phone and
haircutting scissors so this was much less likely to end in jail time for
me). The tickets still aren’t purchased. I am still weighing up jail time. So, in
order to overcome these technical issues, stay married and avoid afore mentioned jail time, certain rules
must be established and adhered to at all times:
1.
You
might have to bend on deal breakers – I often hear from single-dating types
that when they are dating and getting serious there are certain “Deal breakers”
for instance “I must have dogs.” Or “I must have dogs that dance.” Or “I must
be able to wear tap shoes to the mall…” (you know, because they make a cool
clicking sound on the polished shiny floors) Whatever it is, you get the
picture. Although, I’m sure most people’s deal breakers don’t consist entirely
of dancing requirements…The problem is deal breakers often come up after you
have been married for a while. Usually because it didn’t occur to you to
include them in a list of deal breakers… Like I didn't know that I had to mention before we got married that you are not allowed to admire people that speak derogatorily (I thought I made up that word but apparently not!) towards women. Let me explain. Recently while playing
a game invented by our daughter we had to guess Alan’s top five most admired
people. There were the usual: Nelson Mandela, various famous rugby players and
then he says - Kanye West. The important thing to remember here is, sometimes when
you have been married for this long you feel like your head might explode but
you should wait because you also don’t want to waste a good head exploding on
something you just misunderstood. This was one of those moments. I laughed
giving him a chance to say “Only joking” but he was serious and my head nearly
exploded. My problem was in the question. It was, if you recall, “Most admired”.
This particular misogynistic-music writer could have been in any other category:
most interesting; most influential; most likely to name his child after a map
direction… Any of these would have been fine - a lively discussion might have
ensued… but most admired? Someone you look up to? No. He tried miserably and unsuccessfully to
defend his choice, citing Kanye’s work ethic and how much he has done for
African American people and civil rights. None of this, however, was enough to
put the logical bits of my brain back into place. My point was, you can’t fight
for one disenfranchised group while simultaneously setting women’s liberation
back to the dark ages when we were used for sex and berry gathering. I tried to look up some lyrics for proof and there were so many to choose from and all of them were so bad I could not print them here. We did not agree to disagree and now he
listens to his rap music when I can’t see and I pretend he doesn’t even know
who Kanye West is. Thus the deal breaker is put under the bed in a nice white
box. Also we didn’t have to file for divorce citing irreconcilable directions
where one is heading West and the other heading in normal equality directions.
2.
Only
one person is allowed to be psychotic at a time. Now this usually works because
one person tends to be a little more psychotic than the other. This is me. I
generally run at a high level of adrenaline and cortisol for most of my day -
stressing out over gas prices and whether ;or not we are causing irreparable
damage to our daughter because she is an only child; or last night’s debacle -
whether the wind would blow the grill into the bedroom door. Now this is
normally fine (except for the fact that I am daily shortening my life
expectancy because I can’t calm down about a B I got last semester… on one
paper… which was a mistake which the teacher let me fix… I got an A- in the
class just to be clear… the Master’s level class just to be clearer) However,
this level of insanity requires a calm counterpoint to say, “Hey, you are
freaking out about nothing… calm down.” If this counterpoint begins to lose his
sense of laid-back-everything-will-be-fine attitude - puppies are purchased. Just
before my daughter’s birthday, I decided that we were ruining her life because
she does not have a sibling. So I decided RIGHT NOW it is time for a puppy! At
first he remained calm just as he was supposed to do. And then, suddenly, I had
convinced him and now we have a puppy keeping us up all night, peeing
everywhere, in a rental, in trouble with our landlord and I am crying all the
time because... who knows why I am crying - because puppies are what you think
about when you are sad to make you happy. So why should looking at a puppy make
me cry? And now Al is confused because I convinced him to have a puppy and now
I am crying. I said, “what was supposed to happen was, I would say we should get
a puppy, panic, dance around, panic more and you are supposed to say ‘grrr I
don’t think now is a good time’ and I pout and say, you don’t get to make the decisions around
here! And I am clearly right because of these well thought out and wise 6 - 8
reasons!” and then you say ‘can we talk about this later?’ which we never do and
then I relent but blame you. Clearly!” To which he responded as the puppy spun
in circles at our feet trying to bite our shoes, “Hmm I’m not sure what
happened. I think I went a little nuts too!” To which I said “What?? You are
the stable one! It’s your claim to fame in this marriage. It’s what you do!
It’s your job.” So now we have a puppy
and our child won’t grow up crazy and alone but we have agreed - no more
psychotic episodes at the same time.
There seems like there are more rules that help keep us married, but I
still can’t see through the psychotic rage at the barber shop thing. Who
suddenly-right-now-no-appointment has to have his hair cut? It really
doesn’t make any sense. I haven’t had my hair cut for over a year and I’m ok. I
will survive. This is a "Happy as Larry" thing isn’t it?
