Dawn Attack and Six Guns Mel

I am at war. Despite my best efforts to live as an optimist/nice person, I find myself today in an all-out fist-raised, side-taking war. I’ll admit I may have started it but I blame my parents (obviously) because parents teach us to discriminate and pass on their prejudices.  Growing up, if we were ever in the same room with them my mother would hurry us away and yell for my father who would deal with them, swiftly. They would be removed by force if necessary. So I grew up believing this was okay; clearly they were beneath us and meant us harm. As is the case with prejudice, I found a spouse who shared my beliefs even more fervently. He won’t even touch them and has been known to cower in fear when approached. To be fair, he was mercilessly bullied by them during lunchtime in grade school. They used to hide in the long grass, sneak up behind him and make him scream like a girl in front of everyone and then slink away laughing. Seriously.

 It all began a few weeks ago. I am currently taking new medication that allows me to walk like a normal person. YAY!!!! So I have been taking advantage of this and we have been going for long walks. The first wave was an all out aerial assault,  swarming around my head. Next, a kamikaze suicide bomber would say a prayer, shout love to his friends and family and aim directly at the back of my throat, choking me and, worst of all, interrupting my brilliant world-changing point. Alan, who never believes in conspiracy theories  (I will get into this in later posts but I am pretty sure he works for all the conspiracy people. He is always so calm when I bring it up and makes up some logical lie as to why my conspiracy theory is flawed. I wonder how much they pay him? Not enough or I would be flying home more often!)  defends them calmly, stating, "They are not attacking you, it is just because you are short. See, occasionally one will hit my chest.”
I respond by saying “but… I…” choke, gasp, sputter. Now, it looks like Alan is taking his crazy wife from the attic for a walk because I spend the whole time frantically waving my arms around my head.

Then this morning, it happened. A full scale assault at dawn. My beautiful daughter was peacefully killing zombies in Minecraft when I heard her scream. To be honest, I did react a little slowly because often we have screaming while killing zombies. So I said, “What?”
She said, “SPIDER! SPIDER SPIDER!”
I said “GO, GET DAD!”
By the time they returned the spider was hiding. They searched (I couldn’t help, I was making my coffee), Amelia from the top of the dining room table and Alan turning things over and then jumping back. Then, there it was, in all its evil glory. Alan grabs the bug spray and unleashes half a can on the intruder and then, as he always does, places the can of bug spray over its struggling remains. At first I thought he did this out of respect. Let the spider struggle in privacy. Come to find out it is so that the spider cannot suddenly recover from the deadly poison and attack him (who’s the conspiracy theorist now!?!)

This however, was only a decoy. The real assault was yet to come. The enemy was lying in ambush. I had finished making my beautiful cup of mocha and I had steamed a little too much milk (and we don’t just throw milk down the drain, right Mom??). So I sipped a bit off the top, to make more room. I felt a lump pass my lips. I thought at first it was a bit of cocoa. So I rolled it around on my tongue. NOT cocoa.  I spit it out. I scream for Alan. Hoping, desperate, for one of his “It’s not a conspiracy” lies. But he had no such lie. He confirmed. IT WAS A KAMIKAZE SPIDER!!! They had not only messed with my daughter but now my COFFEE!
Oh, it’s on bugs. You hear me? No more sympathetic trips outside on the edges of paper when you have invaded my house. No more careful consideration of the balance of nature. IT IS ON!!!  I am bigger than you and I have technology on my side. They will call me Six Guns Mel. And I will strike fear into the heart of insects and arachnids everywhere. My stories will be told over camp fires long after I am gone. They will whisper of the “Day of Rage” when the bugs pushed her too far and attacked not only her daughter but her coffee. And the little children will peer out from hiding under their blankets, with their big beautiful eyes, and they will say, “Did she win Momma?” and the momma will say, “Yes, she did win. Six Guns Mel conquered them all. In fact, Six Guns Mel is the reason we can drink our coffee without fear and go on killing zombies for entertainment. We owe her everything Suzy, she was a true hero.”