Facebook

Dear Facebook,
Stop tugging at me, like a small child in the candy aisle, with catchy lines that are supposed to be written by “friends”. Like: "this guy thought he knew what was coming but when he saw what was really going on, his mind was blown". Or "check out this list of crazy things, when I got to number eleven my jaw dropped”.  Or "woman is robbed but what she does next is priceless." Really REALLY really?????  It’s priceless? (Just to let you know, number six was way better than number eleven.)And the pièce de résistance: "here is a list of things to make you cry". Stop making me self conscious and doubt that I know who my best friend is or that if I just click I can see what I will look like when I am older AND who will still love me when I look like that. No matter how much you pry, you don’t know me!!!! I think… although you were right about which Muppet I would be if I was a Muppet … NO stop it! You have gotten me to "take this test" for the last time! From now on I will just assume I am a cross between a Disney princess, Jedi knight, Black Widow, Juliet, and Elmo and I will base all future life decisions on this assumption. 
Next, please stop sending my mom bogus political things about how the other political party is trying to end the world. ALL political parties are trying to end the world and take all the money - stop confusing her. Also please stop sending me tests that no one but me can solve (unless of course it is for real and you are recruiting for a super think-tank where we get to save the world… then fair enough and I’m in!)

 Now for the love of all the monkeys, when something terrible happens in the world and people react showing their grief and solidarity, for instance, changing their profile picture to honor the people who tragically lost their lives in France, don’t yell at us that we aren’t mad about all the other bad things happening in the world.  Don’t have a little temper tantrum claiming you are better than everyone because you care about other things that are also terrible. Just because people did not know about other terrible things, does not mean they wouldn’t care; clearly they do care because when they do know, they show their support. So how about, instead, you just calmly show your support to what everyone is sad about and then kindly share what you also support so we can be sad with you? But stop assuming you are a better person because you know additional terrible things happening in the world; that just proves you watched or read an obscure news story - not that you are a better person because of it. (It also just proves the media is biased which we all already knew...) It makes you seem mean and ignorant which is what you are accusing the rest of us of. Just stop it. Save your holier-than-thou rants for things that really matter, like stopping everyone from fighting each other. Clearly, in light of recent events, we should be finding what we have in common not what tears us apart. Right? And on top of that, showing empathy should not be a complicated or a divisive issue.  Also, if you haven’t noticed, something terrible is happening ALL THE TIME; should we not show our outrage and support when the next tragedy strikes because last week there was a tragedy in France? No. Even better, how about we use our powers-of-social-media-discussion to find a way to prevent the next tragedy from occurring until they all become a distant memory; but then, we would ALL have to stop yelling at each other! SO please Facebook let’s do our part - keep relevant discussions going BUT keep it civil.

However, you may continue to send me funny stories with babies, puppies or people falling down or dancing that I would not get to see otherwise. (You can send me video of people falling down while dancing if you have one... or babies or puppies falling down... or babies and puppies dancing...) You can send me minion memes but they better be good. None of that passive aggressive crap where the minion is really mad about a conversation you had with your friend last night; or you are using the minion to disown friends; or the angry religious fight hiding behind the cute minion. Minions can’t speak English, they are particularly fond of kitsch music, and they are good at cleaning, so they can’t possibly represent prejudices or have the final say on complicated religious beliefs. Also, I am not opposed to pictures of food if you can certify that it is organic, free range, environmentally responsible AND I can buy it.

Thank you for your time.