New Year's Retribution

I do not do New Year’s resolutions.  It feels bossy. And I don’t like to be bossed. You may think how do you hold down a job? That is a very good question and I have held down many jobs quite successfully. My need to make others happy carries me for a while until I feel bossed by stupid people making stupid decisions or they make me read 'Who Moved my Cheese?' and then I quit… It is the same with New Year’s resolutions. I say this year I will _____. And about a week in, I start saying to myself: “Who are you to tell me what to do? You don’t know what is best for me. How can you possibly know that eating healthier will add even one month to my life!?” And then chocolate is eaten with a sneer on my face that says to my healthier self - don’t mess with me; you are an idiot. So I don’t do them anymore. It’s not as if I don’t make positive changes in my life; I just start in December or March and don’t write it down or anything. I just change it.

Anyway despite my strict no Resolution policy, this January I found myself on a cucumber and celery juice fast followed by eating nothing but vegetable broth and rice and taking up hot yoga. Now these may sound much like resolutions. In fact, many people in the world probably set these very resolutions for themselves. However mine was a desperate attempt to control something that is out of my control. My meds are not working and my pain is like the boss who was always mean but suddenly became deranged and started screaming at everyone about things they can’t change and stapling everyone’s work to their foreheads. Also the whine in my voice reached such epic proportions that I worried the neighbors would call the cops. Although, I sound pretty much like a three year old and people rarely call the cops for a three year old whining... that someone (Al) put the lid on the water bottle so tight that you are sure you are in prison where they taunt you with water that can't be opened. And Al is the warden. 

Somehow, even though I have lived with this disease for over 15 years I suddenly felt it was unfair. And so to the internet we turned. Looking up every story of anyone who had ever cured themselves of an auto-immune disease. We ruled out people who cured themselves of diseases that cure themselves.  Then we put together the crazy people's and the doctor’s research, boiled the vegetable broth and bought a rice cooker. I felt great for the fast days but everything after that was a crap shoot, lots of pain one day less the next. Plus I had the strange sensation that I was out of pain but still could not manage to sit up and get off the couch. It turns out I was consuming roughly 50 calories /day and still trying to work out at the gym so my body just tried to shut down and go to sleep.

I added hot yoga to the mix because lots of stories included hot yoga as the cure. I went to my first class and within minutes I was sure I had made a mistake. I thought, I think they are actually making this room hot… Like, from the floor… Secretly I thought the 'hot' in Hot Yoga was a metaphor. The guy in front of me was already dripping with sweat but I thought I would be ok because I have worked out before and managed to keep my sweat to myself. However, ten minutes in, I am sweating - now not just sweating. I am sweating from my shins! I didn’t even think I could sweat from my shins. I mean I knew anatomically it was possible to sweat from your shins I just assumed mine never would because they never had. I start to panic because I can't figure out why the room is on a boat and slowly rocking from side to side so I literally run out the door, the instructor calling after me “MELODY! WAIT MELODY!” I do not wait but not one to quit, went back in and finished. However, that night after driving home thinking, I never want to go back there again, I slept all the way until 3am!!! This never happens. I have since become that person who carries a yoga mat everywhere and declines invitations because "I have to go to hot yoga..." I drop Namaste into conversations at regular intervals and think it is perfectly normal to lie on my friends living room floor in Savasana (dead man's pose) for as long as I want. (Since my rapid fleeing, the instructor has started saying, “If this is your first class make sure you stay in the room for the full 90 minutes. If you feel dizzy, just sit or lay down. But don’t leave.” I am pretty sure she looks right at me every time but I make myself seem busy, adjusting my pants or something.)

As far as the food goes, I got so frustrated being in pain, then not, then in pain, then not. AND not eating anything. I had everything I wasn’t eating all in one day from coffee to pizza with a Vietnamese rice noodle bowl (yes at the same time) topped off by chocolate ice cream and donut holes. It was fantastic. We are still researching and are trying everything at the moment because it feels like I am doing something.

And that really is the point. When things in your body go wrong the first stop is the medical profession; we see them as the answer. Until they start saying things like “I don’t know.” And “That doesn’t matter.” That is the first stage, the stage where you start to think, hey I don’t think they know all of the stuff I want them to know. But you talk yourself through that stage. This is especially true for patients who are also healthcare professionals like myself, because we think, Hey I really love my patients, want only good things for them and REALLY want them to get better. So you believe that other healthcare professionals share this sentiment. And they do, for the most part… although now that I actually sit down and think about it 10 minutes of my 15 minute appointment is usually spent discussing whatever is bothering the doctor. For instance, out of the last three doctors I have seen, one has gotten cut off by another driver on the way to work (which is really annoying and dangerous and road issues… people should be in jail… people shouldn’t be allowed to drive… more discussion… etc…) The next doctor was just really tired and really wanted a cup of tea. I offered to wait while he went to make one but he declined discussing instead the sacrifices one must make in life. Maybe it’s because I ask them how they are. Maybe I should stop asking but I always thought it must be annoying hearing everyone’s problems. And what if you had a really bad day or something? It would be nice to be asked how you are. But then, really, they should put extra time in for the consultation. Or really, if you are a doctor of people with a debilitating illness, it would be good to remember that you don’t have it and wanting a cup of tea is dumb especially when the person sitting in your office would find it impossible to even lift a kettle of water. Anyway, I digress. I still don’t think of my doctors as malicious just tired and here is the big aha moment. They are working for the drug companies. They don’t know it of course they think they are working for us but really the drug companies say this will help your patients and they think yay! And even better the drugs work… sort of … most of the time… yay! But then the drug companies are only researching solutions that will make them money not cure us because if they cured us they would not make any money.
 So that is how it starts, you think someone is in control of your health and that you can trust them and then you realize you can’t and no one is in control and then you freak out and start drinking cucumber juice. And really none of it may work but at least you feel like you are doing something besides waiting for the drugs or the disease to kill you. That’s what it really is about; feeling like you have an ounce of control. That you can tell your body, “Hey! You do what I say now. And if I say it is only cucumber juice today then you better deal with it.” It feels good instead of your body saying, "No you can’t get up. No you can’t use the bathroom because it is too far away and the toilet is too low and no you can’t use your hands.” It begins to think it is the boss and we all know how well I do with bosses… Cucumber juice gives the power back to you even if only for a moment. And as for Hot yoga that is really where I get to stick it to my body. I get to say, “You will stay in this hot room for an hour and a half and you will like it and yes you will bend (sort of) and no complaining! If you do this you will leave feeling strong and relaxed.” So if your New Year’s resolution does this for you, more power to ya! Otherwise just start in March and don’t tell anyone…