Namaste

As some of you know, I have started practicing Hot Yoga! (I ended that sentence with an exclamation point because I love Hot Yoga!) I say practicing because that is what it is supposed to be – a practice of mind-body connection. I learn something cool almost every time I go. What I find though, is, it hasn’t quite made it into my everyday life. It is supposed to.  For instance, you should be able to be mindful throughout your day, as in stay in the moment. While I find this is a very helpful reminder when singing to my daughter as she is going to sleep, (holding on to those precious moments before she is too cool for a song) I find I am less inclined to stay mindful while on hold with a giant-not-to-be-named-evil corporation. I am not sure how to practice mindfulness when they want to keep you talking to the robot as long as possible (pressing option 1 then 4 then 6 then 9 then 403, then it says, “Would you like to return to the main menu?” and you consider crying). Or once you actually get to talk to someone they ask in the most patronizing tone if you would mind if they put you on hold. What am I supposed to say? No! I don’t want to be put on hold, because I am calling internationally and I pushed zero to talk to a person. But of course I say yes. (For some reason, saying it through gritted teeth doesn't have the passive aggressive effect I was going for…) Then they proceed to play, not just an instrumental country song, but more of a country-style ditty you get on keyboards. You know the ones where you can push the button for “samba” or “reggae” and it plays you four bars of a sort-of recognizable tune. It was that… on repeat.

At first I try breathing (this is how all mindfulness starts). Unfortunately it starts coming out like a growl every time the song repeats. As an emergency backup option, I grab my smart phone and start playing Candy Crush. I sense mindfulness clucking its tongue at me but Candy Crush is making it possible for me not to smash the phone on the table. In my mindful state, I see the evil corporation coming back on the line saying “Hello? Hello? Hello?” And each time I bash the phone down on the table in response. So I continue to pop little packages of candy to avoid having to buy a new phone. Thinking, perhaps this is when I am supposed to be applying the “let it go” philosophy of yoga. But the yoga masters couldn’t have meant to do that without the protection of Candy Crush.

 I am also reading a book about becoming your true self. I find it is best to flood your life with "good advice that you just can't take". (Isn’t that right Ms. Morrisette? Or is it ironic?) None of this “small steps” stuff. I say, try to do it all at once; cure yourself from anxiety, insecurity and insanity all in one go! DO hot yoga and read all the “you’re doing life wrong” books at once. That way you can be a perfect person right away. Or if it fails, you haven’t wasted a lot of time… One thing the book mentions, is being more humble and honest about one’s self. I figure this is good. Then the guy gets back on the line to tell me I have to repeat the process of filling in the forms and send them all again. Even though I sent the letter they needed, they don’t want that letter, they want a different form filled in. I thought it was best to allow him to be his true self and ask him to look honestly at himself. Simply stating, “If you can’t submit a letter instead of filling out part four, it should not say on the application that you can submit a letter instead of filling out part four of the application.” To which he said, “You can but it is better for us if you just fill out part four.” To which I said, (really wanting him to gain the freedom of becoming honest with one’s self,) “Why does it say that you can submit the letter? Namaste.” (I did not actually say “Namaste – I acknowledge the divine spark in you”. But I thought if I had been practicing yoga, I would have said it. I just forgot he had a divine spark for a minute…) He said he didn’t know and he would pass it on. I then wondered why it had been okay for the last three years to submit a letter and suddenly it is not. To which he said, “Sorry for the inconvenience. Is there anything else I can help you with?” To which I said, “No thank you.” He then informed me that there was an optional survey at the end of the call. I then completely forgot he had ever had a divine spark within him and decided to paint him black with 2’s and 3’s. (I also seemed to have forgotten I was calling internationally and this was actually costing me money.) Only realizing later, while describing to Al the intense rage I was feeling, that perhaps practicing mindfulness had been a failure.

Next I think I will start perfecting the “no judgment” aspect of yoga. I thought I had been doing pretty good at this and was learning to stop judging (and hating) my body. (Because, let’s be honest, it has been a little stupid; immune system going rogue and other nonsense.) So I was trying to be nice to my body and “accept the body I have today” which my yoga teacher keeps reminding me. I have been wandering around for weeks… ok months… ok it may have been a year… with my vision getting more and more blurry. It has gotten really bad over the last month or so. I kept saying. ‘Oh my eyes are just tired…’ Then I decided to find my lost glasses… Yes I have not been wearing my prescription glasses, getting blurry vision and telling myself not to judge it. So it is true I should not judge or despise my eyes for being less than optimal. Turns out you have to balance this with a little common sense. And while my glasses are broken, I can see again… like a Christmas miracle. You would not believe the amount of writing you can do in a day when you can see the letters on the keyboard.

Namaste everyone!