Since today is my… oops, I mean our 16^th anniversary, I thought I would give you a break from the rules and give you some thoughts about marriage. How have we stayed married for 16 years?

1.       I correct myself when I say ‘my’ anniversary instead of ‘our’.

2.       We sleep in separate beds – now those of you who just clucked your tongue at me, just think, a full night’s sleep and waking to birds singing. You yawn and get out of bed and go to greet your daughter and tell her in a loving voice to get dressed for school. She runs off happily to get dressed while telling you what she is excited about doing at school that day. And you look at her with eyes of love. Your husband joins you to make her lunch and you send her off to school with smiles and love.  

Or it is 4 am you have gotten about twenty minutes of sleep you are glaring staring at your spouse who is snoring, ON PURPOSE of course. Because everyone snores on purpose at 4 am. And why is he moving the blankets? He is always complaining about being too hot and now he has all the blankets, CLEARLY, so that you are tortured and cold all night long. Now you are contemplating all of the other ways your spouse does mean things ON PURPOSE. Like that horrible sound he makes when he is eating. Or when he puts the lid on the mayonnaise too tight ON PURPOSE. So that when you go to make a sandwich, you are wondering why we live in a dictatorship and security has been increased on all jars, especially mayonnaise. And then you think ‘hey I don’t live in a dictatorship; my husband is just trying to make me crazy so he doesn’t have to be married to me anymore. Yeah, he must be trying to get me locked up in a mental institution where I will wander the halls screaming about mayonnaise jars.’

You have finally fallen back asleep and then wake and realize you have over slept. So you shove him out of bed because he is mean and deserves to be awakened that way. You run screaming to the living room “CHILD, GET DRESSED NOW!!” she is a little offended at being greeted this way in the morning and decides that the best way to protest is to pretend she is a dog and crawl to her room. Then inspect one of her toys she hasn’t bothered to play with in years. You try to remain calm but your mind, which has had no sleep, is now confused and you think your daughter is now part of the conspiracy to put you in a mental institution. So you decide the best way to get her moving is a healthy dose of sarcasm. “Oh yeah, that is great! Really great getting dressed! Apparently, you have decided to wear pajamas instead of your school uniform!’

You yell at your husband (under your breath of course because children should not see their mother yell at their father) as you try to get the mayonnaise lid off to make a sandwich for HIS daughter. He is confused and opens the jar for you. But now you are still mad, so you need something else to bring up. So you remember what made you mad last week and bring that up. Then you all go your separate ways to survive the day.

So we sleep separately.

3.       I try to avoid any medication that makes me want to divorce him. This may seem easy but doctors keep giving me pills and saying “This won’t make you gain weight and should not affect your mood too much”. Then one month later I have gained ten pounds and I am contemplating divorce over a phone bill… I apologize later (but my point was still valid even if it was drug induced).

4.       I try to avoid asking “What are you thinking?” for obvious reasons.

5.       We make sure to remind each other what a sophisticated couple we are and keep a healthy dose of disdain for those couples. You know those couples…

6.       I try not to be a psycho and attribute other people’s idiocy to my husband. For example, I was starting to get really mad at him the other day and I said “You are just trying to seem nice but really you are mean and then I will be like oh he is nice and then suddenly you will be mean.” And he said.

 “I think you had way too many crazy mean friends and you need to remember that I am not like them and actually love you.”

To which I replied brilliantly and with eloquence “Well, yeah but… Well… still… I think… but…” because for once, his logic was pretty solid.

7.       We cuddle. Get your mind out of the gutter (you know who you are), like real cuddles. (We have a class on this if you need it.)

8.       We are aware of each other’s strengths and weaknesses. For example, I make sure I only bring up the future if he is walking. Otherwise he will panic, start pacing the room and eventually his mind may actually explode. And when I am a raving lunatic he makes sure to offer me coffee or protein and then asks what is wrong. Otherwise, I will start ranting about the world coming to an end and start running naked in the street.

I am sure there are experts out there who will give you better advice but 16 years is pretty good. In Hollywood years it’s like 50!