Sue and Samuel and What They Thought was Cake

After a recent argument with a friend of mine about who invented fondant and subsequently fruit cake, I realized it doesn’t really matter. The real travesty is that we are still eating it. My first introduction to the stuff was at my wedding in New Zealand. I was standing talking to a guest I didn’t know and someone handed me a piece of what I thought was cake. Being a fan of cake, I was excited to taste it. I have never been so wrong. I took the first bite and spit it out convinced it was an attempt to kill me. (Because my in-laws were not too happy about the marriage and while I was pretty sure they wouldn't kill me, if you were going to kill the bride wouldn't the best way be to poison her cake?) I excused myself from the stranger, (who was now convinced that he was right all along. I really was a rude American who spits out food and he could no longer look at me) and made my way across the room to one of my few friends attending my wedding. She was about to take a fatal bite of her own so I nearly knocked it out of her hands. When she asked me what was wrong. I explained that I had had a bite but there was something wrong because it tasted like it had been marinating in a bag with old socks, for at least a year. The Kiwi laughed “haha!” and said “No! It’s just fruit cake”. And then proceeded to eat it as I looked on in horror.

So from then on I knew, and unfortunately could never unlearn, that people make it on purpose. They went purposefully to the kitchen measured out flour and smelly socks stood in the hot kitchen, with the oven on, dripping sweat into the batter (which would also explain the slight saltiness). In a flash of heat induced insanity they saw their rotting grapes on the counter and thought “Oh yes! These are just what this cake needs!” and threw them in the mixture. Then they rolled out a sheet of what I can only assume is plastic, added a single granule of sugar and plopped it on top of the cake. Then they left. I don’t know they went on vacation or something. Perhaps they went on a long sea voyage because back then travel took a very long time. When they returned six months later they dropped their luggage and went to make themselves a cup of tea. (Because that is what they did after long journeys. Don’t argue with me on this. I have it on good authority. My mom’s friend wrote a book and everything.) Anyway, as they set their kettle on the wood fire stove to boil, they noticed a lump under a tea towel. The baker (let’s call her Sue) has a sinking feeling in her chest as she slowly lifts the tea towel to reveal her cake. Sue exclaims “Oh no! I forgot about the cake!” (imagine her delicate gloved hand flying to her mouth in despair) a discussion must have ensued with the result being Samuel (her husband who has been in love with her since she was 17 but waited a respectable three years before proposing marriage. He is still just as smitten with her. He just loves the way her eyes light up when she laughs.) Anyway, he sees how his beloved is distraught and, in an effort to make every aspect of her life happy, tastes the cake. He must have smiled around the bite and said “No honey! It’s delicious!”  She then peeked out from behind her hands and he (even though he still hadn’t swallowed it) smiled convincingly until those beautiful eyes believed him and then he hugged her.

So all I can conclude is that fruit cake with fondant on top is really a testament to true love. At some point in history Sue, a rare beauty, made a horrible mistake in the kitchen and Samuel, who loved her more than life itself, did not have the heart to tell her it tasted like cardboard that had been sitting in the dump. I guess that is why it endures as an example of how marriage really can work. So generation after generation couples who desire eternal marriage bliss continue to make and eat the horrid mixture and stay married. And then their children make it because it is tradition and even if something tastes terrible, if it reminds you of home, you make it and eat it.

If this is not the reason then there really is no excuse and fruit cake with fondant should be banned or used as a cheap eco-friendly replacement for brick walls, or coal, or crude oil or something useful.