PART THREE - Emergency Preparedness Plan

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I think if I was doing this blog thing right, I should be posting something about being grateful today. Which I am… very! But I can’t in good conscious just skip the emergency part of this VERY important series! So, I will just be grateful some other day (and today but just not publicly).

I have heard people say we should have tighter communities and more friendliness. And, as a theory this is good advice but it is also rather presumptive about the type of people we are to be “tighter” with. And I think if you have read parts one and two, you should now be firmly on my side.

So I say, avoid your neighbors. If you need an egg, go to the supermarket. Out of flour? Break out the old millstone. But now for the key; what do you do if you are in an emergency situation and you have sequestered yourself according to my rules? Here is what I suggest:

1.      Plan your escape route in advance. Always sleep with your keys and cell phone in your hand. That way if there is a fire or someone breaks into your house you can escape out the window and drive to your non-racist friend or family member’s house. And as a bonus, because you have your phone, call for help (not while driving of course because I would never recommend driving while talking on a cell phone).

2.       If you have children make sure your escape route takes you past their bed so you can scoop them up on the way. Your spouse is definitely optional because they have probably mocked you for your preparedness plan or complained that you sleep with your keys and cell phone in your hand. So you can reserve the right to grab your child and, as a warning to your spouse, shout, “I told you so!” as you get in to the car. (Also, they may or may not have left you alone at a certain racist neighborhood meet and greet in order watch a Rugby game.) Feel free to wait in the locked car (this could be the appropriate time to call for help) while they gather themselves and probably get dressed, look for their keys and cell phone, and wander around the halls for a while because they did not practice the escape route.

3.      Choose your sleeping attire with care. Wear some. And even better, right before you go to bed, look at yourself in the mirror and try to picture yourself giving a comment to the local news crew. (Because you have slept with your cell phone and keys and have survived the emergency of course, but may be unable to change before the 6 o’clock news. They will want to talk to you because of your amazing swift escape and rescue of your child. Try and avoid questions about your naked spouse who may or may not be running through the streets because of the insanity that set in when he realized how wrong he was and how smart you really were all along.)

 If, when you are looking in the mirror, you see a suspicious amount of skin, secret body parts, or an unreasonably large picture of Mickey Mouse you should reassess your sleeping attire. (Something small say, the size of a pocket is ok but if it looks like Mickey Mouse is escaping from your bowels you have chosen poorly.) I for one like to sleep in things that look like I am going for a run, which also helps with including a work out into your daily routine. Or if you still run out of time for a work out, getting in and out of a work out bra, I’ve found, burns like 100 calories so keep that in mind.

4.      You might be tempted to think that running to the CIA neighbor’s house (from part one) could work. DON’T FALL FOR IT! Sure he might be CIA but then he could be... you know… C.I.A. and he has had all his humanity erased, (in some sort of secret government conspiracy that was marketed to the head of the CIA as a “safe procedure” but you know… as always with mind melting, things went wrong…) so he can assassinate anyone including me in my Y2K t-shirt. (I personally feel that the Y2K shirt shows significantly more class than a Mickey Mouse t-shirt and I have the blog so there!)

 

So stay safe out there!  For the record I am all for loving your neighbor!  Just keep in mind your particular strengths and recognize when the job may need to be outsourced... Like to family or to someone who is able to turn racists into thinking people. If you can't outsource the job do your best...  

 And have a  Happy Thanksgiving!!! ( and because I am pretty sure I know all my readers personally... I LOVE YOU and miss you and wish we could be together today!!!)