Lessons learned 2013. Not, you know, deep meaningful lessons ( I learned those too) but blog lessons...

PART THREE or the slightly whiny edition...

1.      People enjoy taking your money, especially when it doesn’t belong to them. And when you tell them it doesn’t belong to them they like to say “Sorry, the computer took it. We can’t do anything to help you.” Which begs the question: Why have computers started attacking us? I mean, we were supposed to be way further along in technological advances before the machines attack, right? That is what the movies keep telling us. First we reach unimaginable heights of human invention and intelligence and THEN the machines attack. So why, when the computers take my money, are we completely powerless against them? I would understand if I was already flying my own car but I am still driving on roads, so machines definitely should not be taking my money. We can renegotiate when cancer is cured. 
          As a side note, the last time this happened to me, the man who told me the computer took my money and there was nothing he could do about it, then told me I could file a complaint via email and "graciously" gave me the email address. I am suspicious that this guy could be a double agent. Because why would I complain using the enemy technology. I mean telling the computer it took your money seems counter productive. Won't the computer get my email and then just laugh manically as it spends my money on, I don't know, a new disk drive or something. I would think it would be more wise to speak with someone over the phone (which is what I tried first of course, until he told me he was powerless) or even perhaps pen a letter. Maybe the guy was being held hostage by the computers and  even though his title says "customer service" he is really tied to a chair in some warehouse or something. AND they have threatened his family if he involves the cops OR gives me my money back. In which case I totally understand but then we all should really be getting ready to fight the machines not using them everyday. So sir, if you can read this (because you are surrounded by computers threatening you and keeping you tied to chairs) try to send a signal next time so we can all be ready. Also, try to insert code word: "Elephant Rush" so that we know your family is in danger if you help me. Then we will find your family and put them in protective custody right away. Stay strong we will get you out!!

2.  You need sisters. They understand you and you can tell them how you really feel and they get it. They believe in you and that makes you achieve things you never thought possible. I do not know where they get this super power but they got it and I love them.

3.    Always be ready for a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie. I find it is best to skip all meals or eat the bare minimum if there is even a remote chance that you will be given a giant freshly baked chocolate chip cookie. Because if you eat your normal healthy food, when someone offers you a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie (or you pass one in the mall) you have to decide whether you can afford the calories. If you chose not to eat all day,  then you can just happily accept the freshly baked chocolate chip cookie let the chocolate drip down your face and lick it off at your leisure. If you are not sure you will get the chance to eat a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie and you eat normally and then you do find yourself in the position of dancing from foot to foot in indecision over one. Make sure your mom is with you (this is a good general rule, just make sure your mom is always near by) because she will share it and love it with you and then the calories are almost zero. Because you danced around in circles and jumped a little while trying to decide which burns calories. AND you  are sharing, which not only reduces calories but gives you credit calories because you were nice. Calories are good like that.
4.      I live too far away from family; like way too far. But you can’t have happy hellos without painful goodbyes. But this is like saying “Hang in there!!” to someone dangling from the edge of a cliff. It is true they should “hang in there” but it is not helping. So as I say another good bye today I will leave another little piece of my heart on the DIA security check point floor. I will make the TSA agents a little edgy as I sob through the line taking off my shoes. And because, for a while, I will only be operating with a partial heart, you may notice that my blog will get a little hateful against a certain country or person who MADE me live in this country. While my criticism may be true it will come out all wrong and I will appear to be a mean person. And... AND I will once again be in a foreign country while the Broncos fight in the Super Bowl, not sitting in a room full of family screaming our heads off, which is just dumb. (I realize this is coming dangerously close to whining which is firmly against policy but... the Broncos are going to the Super Bowl I mean like... Right!?!? I should be able to enjoy the game AND watch my dad freak out!) So if I happen to run into you over the next few days and I tell you where I am going and you say “Oh you are so lucky!” and I burst into tears, don’t be alarmed I know I am blessed (I won’t say lucky because I am surprisingly clumsy and thus a bit unlucky sometimes) but it just doesn’t feel like it when saying good bye to my family… again.