PART TWO - Neighbors in Open Spaces

We have made the transition to the traditional neighborhood. You know, yards and fences and people peering in your windows... Over the years, we have become quite savvy at avoiding neighbors. It really is simple.

1.      Before exiting your house, make sure your neighbors are not outside or if they are outside, make sure they are involved in an activity.

2.      Make sure to have the occasional conversation about the beauty of their garden or even better how the weather may or may not have affected the garden. This is crucial. The neighborly dialogue must be carefully planned and thought out.  It should be kept short and simple. Too much confidence in your ability to small talk off the top of your head can be disastrous. You need to have these conversations with just the right amount of frequency. Too many and you find out way too much information (or give too much information as is often the case with me). Too few and you will appear rude, reclusive or they will form their own opinion about who you are and what you do. Now, this can be very fun, endless hours of amusement from the rumors started about you. A word of caution here though, if your husband is the famous small town pharmacist this can be risky so enjoy briefly and then set the record straight.

3.      When attempting the above conversation, you should always have an exit strategy. Keep your feet at a 45 degree angle and ready to run at the first sign of trouble. Keep the key to your house ready, not just dangling. Those crucial seconds of searching through your 50 keys could mean the difference between a clean escape and being trapped in conversation at your own front door. There is no polite escape from this. If you are to remain an optimist /nice person I am afraid you must wait until they talk themselves out. Or live with a lie you are forced to come up with. If you go this route try and avoid pretending you have gone crazy. While this is VERY fun, it is hard to keep up over the years and guilt will inevitably set in.

If you ignore my steps here you could be caught in a whirlwind of drama. For example, recently we were invited to a neighborhood meet and greet. I don’t think they wanted to invite us as we are renters. (You should read the word ‘renters’ with a growl or at least clench your teeth a little.) Our first mistake was sending Alan to the door. Alan is not good at coming up with an appropriate answer for things like this such as “Lemme just ask Mel and see if she has anything on.” Thus, allowing us to come up with a reasonable excuse. Instead he blurted out “But… but… that’s when the All Blacks are playing!” (New Zealand rugby team for my American readers.) Thus, confirming immediately that we had no real plans. She told him he should record it and then had to suffer the shock at the absolute desolate state of a house without a digital recording device. Apparently, we are not keeping up with the Joneses or what ever their name is. She then firmly let Alan know he had offended her (mainly nonverbally but not entirely). So Alan trudged to the living room, shoulders slumped in defeat to let me know we were going. Our second mistake was assuming when she said it was from three thirty to four, we would be able to retreat to our solitude after just a half an hour of fake smiles and conversations about gardening. So we did not work very hard to come up with an acceptable excuse. We were wrong. Apparently it BEGAN between three thirty and four and went till whenever. You see we made the critical error of assuming that most of our neighbors have more exciting things to do on a Sunday afternoon.  

So we went and learned some very important information.  For instance, we now know how terrible all other races are and, in particular, people from Papua New Guinea. Apparently, we should all be vigilant because there are still head hunters there. I assume they did not mean that I should avoid these particular Papua New Guineans because they were trying to recruit me for a very high paying job. Alan and I decided to keep to ourselves that we had actually been to Papua New Guinea and met very nice people who did not cut off our heads, steal from us or offer us high paying jobs.

We ignored my carefully planned dealing-with-neighbors rules. Now I know things I don’t want to know about people who live so close to me. People who I am now sure are all rip-roaring racists. This leaves quite the conundrum. At the time I would have liked to say something but in these situations I find I am sitting there saying ‘Did he just say that? Na, he couldn’t have because that would be ridiculous. No one actually thinks about other races like that anymore. It must have been his accent. He must have said “You know, learning from other cultures always enriches us.” Yes, I am sure that is what he said.’ And ‘I am sure he did not just use the term “blacky” to describe someone.’ Then when I get home I get confirmation from Alan that I am completely wrong and yes all of our neighbors are two sheets short of a cross burning.

This leaves the next conundrum: should I break all rules and go and ring the door bell and peacefully explain that they are racist, homophobic and sexist and say STOP IT! Or should I go with a quick slap to the face. This definitely goes against my firm non-violence policy but does my non-hate policy outweigh my no conflict rule? Maybe if I thought it would make any kind of difference I would say something. But the problem with people like this is they have stopped learning and growing. Hate seeps in slowly, hardening hearts until they have become like a cement statue and no amount of shouting or violence can make it grow. It is stuck where it is. They have firmly planted their feet and are stuck where they stand. Maybe you can do some damage and knock it down but it will only ever lay in pieces unable to put itself together again and then the pieces themselves can be used as weapons by others intent on living in hate. 
Even though it doesn’t usually do any good to confront the narrow, hate filled minds, I fully encourage you to have at the ready stories or anecdotes to frighten them with. For instance, I dream of having a conversation by their mailbox (ready to run obviously) when I casually drop in that once I fell in love with a beautiful woman from Papua New Guinea. This goes firmly against my no lying policy but it is still fun to imagine.

Although, despite it all there was one valuable thing I learned. They did manage to reprimand me for my daughter’s frequent lateness for school which apparently they have been keeping track of on a daily basis. Without this afternoon spent sweating in the sun with racists I would never have known how much I was failing as a mother.

So in conclusion of parts one and two, what have we learned? You can be pretty sure that if your neighbors are not trying to kill you they are probably contemplating killing someone else. SO STICK TO THE RULES PEOPLE!