Lessons learned 2013. Not, you know, deep meaningful lessons ( I learned those too) but blog lessons... PART ONE

1.      Bad stuff happens. It sucks but it makes the precious moments in our lives more sparkly! Which is always a good thing.

2.       Your body sometimes decides it knows better. It doesn’t. If it needs to be corrected, first, try talking to it calmly to share the error of its ways. If that fails, try throwing it against the wall to reset it. (This should only be done by you. Never get help from others as this is violence and I don’t like it.) If these fail, try drugs. Feel free to skip straight to drugs if you think your body will ignore the first two options.

3.      People tend to be judgmental and mean sometimes but this is just because they are stupid or just acting stupid or feeling stupid or maybe tired or possibly hungry. So just ignore them. Or you could picture them as Gollum as this may provide endless laughter. Or even better, sympathy, if you lean that way. Because you know, Gollum used to be Sméagol and the ring made him all naked and Gollum-y and you might want to ponder what “ring” caused the person standing in front of you to turn into a monster. I find, though, that it makes me giggle so it is probably best to wait till you are in your car before picturing them as Gollum, because laughing at mean, judgmental people in front of them only makes their face more Gollum-esque.

4.      I do not ever want to see the reality series The Bachelor. I mean what the heck is happening with that show!? Do people really think we want to watch pretty people being fake to fall in fake love with a weird giving of the roses? What is that? Just stop it! It’s creepy.

5.      Don’t try to write blog posts while everyone in the room is watching TV because you will write a lesson like “I don’t want to watch The Bachelor” because the commercial came on and you could not tear your eyes away from that train wreck.

6.      Being a little overweight is okay, not great, but okay.  I would like to weigh less than the maximum weight that a firefighter can carry down a flight of stairs, you know, just in case… but we can’t have everything and sometimes I just want a damn piece of chocolate. (Plus, really body, I will throw you against the wall again if you don’t sort yourself out. I should be able to replace the calories from a meal with the calories in chocolate and you should not freak out. I mean, calm down, it is the same calories! You need to understand that I care about you and I will give you the nutrients you need. But if I want a double-shot mocha with whipped cream on top and I choose not to eat lunch you should be able to cope just fine. I looked up the calories: it is the same as the healthy sandwich! So calm down for fudge sake! Also, if you are hungry could you just snack on my ass or my belly or my arms or my thighs first THEN send the signal that I need to eat because really, it is all there, buffet style, so just fix it. Plus, you know you hate going to the gym so if you can’t sort yourself out I will drag you back there. You know I will, so watch it!)

7.        Traveling can be annoying but getting there is __________. I thought this should be a fill in the blank one. Because it is interactive and fun and you might come up with better describing words than I could. Plus then you can contribute!! And now my blog is like for thinking and a forum and stuff! I will start us off. If I could, I would insert a choir singing a high C. But this is incredibly hard to type. So, getting there is Jump up and down nearly pee my pants excited. Although, this could be because I have had to pee for the last two and a half hours of the flight and when I got off the plane the line for the bathroom was a mile long so I thought I should just hold it for another couple of hours while we fight with the carousel to negotiate the release of our bags and then realize what a mistake we have made because straining to lift a heavy bag off something determined to pull it away from you makes your body think it is free to pee. It could be that. Or I am so excited to see my family I nearly pee my pants!

8.      People are on their phones A LOT, looking down, only half hearing your sentences. They look up occasionally but it is only because they feel like they have to, not because they think you are interesting. Now, to be fair, if I had a phone like they do I would probably be staring at it as well. Unfortunately, MY smart phone only went to kindergarten. So I don’t really care what it is doing and usually I glare at it with a look of disdain that an optimist/nice person, such as me, should be ashamed of.  However this does have a bonus: because no one is ever really looking at anyone else, my lesson number 6 doesn’t matter so much.

9.      Advertising is lying. What they are selling will not make us prettier, happier or spend more time with family driving off road. And besides, is that really what we want? Driving off the roads jarring your back and neck, killing local plant life and you’re smiling because you’re supposed to be so you bite your tongue as you go over a huge rock. Now you are bleeding but still “havin’ a great time!” And if scientists had really worked out how to make us all thin wouldn’t we all be thin? I love how it is always “as part of a healthy diet and exercise program!” Really? Your pill combined with a healthy diet and exercise program “Burns the fat away!” but not just the diet and exercise. And it’s “scientifically tested” Really? Amazing! I just ran my own scientific test. All the results aren’t in yet but initial data reveals you think we are all stupid and you want our money. So drawing from these incomplete facts this researcher feels that by projecting the estimated figures she can with 85% confidence state: you are evil.

10.  Stop trying to write blog posts while everyone around you is watching TV.

11.  Raising a kid is the most fun you will ever have in your life. It is amazing and funny and challenging. They will teach you so much and you will learn just how capable and amazing and strong you are.

12.  Raising a kid is hard. I consider myself an intelligent person (you know, I get straight A’s in university and such) but often I find myself standing in front of my 9-year old unable to speak because I have no idea what is going on, how to respond or how to make it stop. So I just stand there looking stupid. It keeps happening (what ever it is), swirling around me like a dust storm and I demand “Say something! Do something!” and then my expensive, intelligent mind responds “I got nothing. You are on your own. I am not sure that thing is even human. I suggest you run very far and very fast: you never know what these things could do to you.”

13.  Raising a kid requires a certain amount of healthy insanity. To live everyday somewhere between lesson 11 and 12. To experience the most love and the most frustration simultaneously. To doubt your ability and embrace your inner super hero all in the same moment.

Stay Tuned for PART TWO! If you want or not...