Lessons learned this Thanksgiving

Now before you keep reading, for the sake of my ego, I must state for the record I can cook and in the past have prepared a successful Thanksgiving dinner. However, this year provided ample opportunity to learn some things:

1.       When you learn online how to grill a turkey and it turns out perfectly the first time, this is a fluke.  

On reflection, the problem was twofold. One, an over inflated ego at last year’s triumphant grilled turkey and thus ignoring the warnings sprinkled throughout the recipe. For instance, “take care on a windy day as this will change grilling times” and “Make sure you have enough gas in the bottle. You don’t want to run out half way through.”  And two, having a helpful husband. At first glance this may not seem like a problem but when it is time for him to go check on the turkey and I keep yelling “Wait! Help I am stuck!” it definitely becomes a problem. After one of these delayed checking episodes, he comes racing back inside screaming “It happened!!” He sprints through the house gathering shoes and keys “What happened!?” I yell as he runs out the front door “The grill is cold! We ran out of gas!” he says from the driveway and then speeds off down the street to get more gas. We console ourselves that it couldn’t have been too long but we add some extra time on the end and adjust our side-dish cooking times accordingly. My guests arrive just late enough that I look organized and have managed to not answer the door naked. At around 5 I send Alan out for the update on the turkey. He is gone so long I forget where he is and ask a guest who says he is outside messing with the grill. I go about my cooking, Al returns, stands next to me and says quietly “Well, the fish is done!” I gape at him. Apparently, our turkey, after three hours of cooking, is the appropriate temperature for grilled fish. He takes me outside and points accusingly at the grill and asks “Did you know there was a huge gaping hole at the back of the Grill?” I shake my head as the wind swirls around us. We realize, the grill temperature has not been 375 to 400 as the grill thermometer was reading but more like 200.

2.      Stop trying to make homemade bread to serve. Ever.

I learned this lesson after a disastrous attempt by my sister Michelle and I to replicate my Aunt Patsy’s addictive cinnamon and potato rolls in my closet kitchen  (Seriously there is a drug in them or something; you can’t stop eating them even though you are consuming copious amounts of the other amazing food she has also made.) They were the size of footballs and softballs respectively. She and I swore never again to attempt them. However since this was over 12 years ago, and my kitchen and cooking skills have both improved, I decide to try again.  Not Aunt Patsy’s rolls (I am not that stupid) but biscuits, because my Kiwi guests have not had them. The first batch was amazing; I was so proud. I ate a whole one (so yummy) and I decided everyone would want at least two.  So I made another batch. When we finally sit down to our dinner at eight thirty, I of course, served the biscuits. I took mine last and took a bite, instantly spitting out it. It tasted like armpit. I was too late to save my guests; some had already gagged theirs down (or hopefully thrown it outside when I wasn’t looking.) Later, as I was just drifting off to sleep I was pondering what went so wrong with the damn biscuits when my eyes popped open. For the second batch I had found the exact right amount of butter in my fridge without having to cut into another block. I was pretty happy about this but I failed to notice that it had been in my fridge so long it had come back to life as a cow. At least the mystery was solved. My biscuits tasted like you had licked the inside of my fridge because the butter which had grown legs and a mouth actually had licked the inside of the fridge.

3.      Sometimes ovens get tired too.

When you are dead on your feet after cooking all day the day before Thanksgiving you might think “I will just make the brownies. So I have less to do tomorrow.” You really should go to bed because your oven apparently needs a rest too. You will put the brownies in for the allotted time, at the allotted temperature, and check they are done with a tooth pick. Then when you go to serve them the next day at nearly midnight because the turkey took 7 hours to cook instead of three ,your guests will say “NO! I love eating brownie batter! Yum!” This is because they are hungry and have already thrown your biscuits out onto the lawn.

4.      If you stick your hand in the oven you will get a burned finger. If you do it again you will burn your other finger. If you do it again you will burn your arm.

5.      Just because putting veggies in your gravy is yummy doesn’t mean you should put more veggies in your gravy. (Because you forgot to buy carrots so your helpful husband runs to the store and buys 6 pounds because you were freaking out) your gravy will be carrot soup instead.

6.       When you invoke the tradition of sharing what you are thankful for, be prepared for your child to embarrass you.

One of my guests was sharing how he was grateful to live in a country that gives him a student allowance to live on. Very valid gratefulness statement. Then my daughter chimes in “Well that’s not going to last forever, so don’t get used to it!” Now, I am trying to give her a stern 'you are being rude' face. However, I can’t stop laughing at the witty political humor with great comedic timing. So I have learned my lesson but she certainly hasn’t. Because explaining to your child she is being rude, while laughing, doesn’t really work.

7.      When you decide to keep the family tradition of playing a card game after Thanksgiving Dinner perhaps you should rethink teaching your friends (the ones who think you are nice) Pounce.

This may not occur to you right away but when you are standing screaming at your guest to “take your two of hearts off the damn pile!” it will occur to you. This game is best played in the safety of your family who have to love you even when you scream during Pounce. Next time, when the option is between watching a movie or playing Pounce, take the movie option.

So this Thanksgiving I am thankful for friends who drive 40 minutes to my house and then wait four hours to eat dinner. After you have finally fed them they will learn a new game and then let you scream at them. I am thankful for new medication that allows me to make a Thanksgiving dinner and recover in less than 48 hours. I am thankful for a husband who rescues me when I am stuck even though the turkey will suffer. I am thankful for an incredibly smart and funny daughter who is already way cooler than I am. I am thankful for my Mom and Dad who are still fun to be with and teaching me things to this day. I am thankful for my beautiful sisters who never stop encouraging me and let me say ANYTHING (and you two know the rest). I am thankful for friends who could not come to Thanksgiving but who in just one afternoon can fill my love tank to overflowing (you know who you are). Extended families that are so much fun I can’t wait to spend Christmas with them! And much more but this is a blog people and let’s be honest, most of you stopped reading after number one. Love you guys!