Tents and God-Given Feminism

So, I was thinking about that lady that did a blog according to all the rules for women in the Bible. I was pondering the tent rule, for that time of the month. And I thought maybe God knew what He was doing there. He knew that we would be hormonal and crazy and I think, if at that time spas existed, He would have said, “Thus sayeth the Lord God: thy child-bearing women shall be sent out to the fancy spa or shiny hotel (her choice of course because some of them just don’t like massages) for the two days of crazy time preceding the week of the annoying time. They will be taken care of and given drinks and chocolate so that, in that day they will not ponder how much they hate their husband for no reason in particular, except for the way he cheweth his food, and they will not yell at perfect strangers driving other cars and they will returneth home refreshed and rested and ready to rule the world.” He would have said this last part because, if it was a time when spas existed, we would have already put the patriarchal society behind us, like we have put slavery behind us, but I digress.   

He also would have added,“Yeah, I am sorry about the hormone and period thing; it’s necessary to make those cute little babies, remember the cute little babies? Plus, I wanted you to have the option of having a baby whichever month you choose, when you feel you are ready, or when you feel you can rule the world and have babies, which you can totally do because I created you to be amazing. And, you know, even if you think you are done having babies you don’t want someone to tell you that you HAVE to be done. So that is why I made it so it keeps going after you have babies… so you could decide.” And then He would have said “Go forth and behold a baby so that your anger does not boileth.” And then he would have said, “The sound of your husband eating is a bit strange really; I mean I love him and all but yeah, with the hormone problem I gave you, it really is annoying.” And then he would have said, “Go easy upon the slow driver - they were part of the reason you arrived safe and sound.”

Rule Number 4- Keep your friends in very well organized categories.

You may be wondering how keeping your friends in well organized categories will help you be a more optimistic or nice person. Well it may seem minor but this is a very important rule. First of all, this rule makes following rule number 1 possible.  If you skip rule number 4, you will find yourself knee deep in conflict. Because, it is unlikely that all of your friends will like each other. This seems odd because they are all friends with you. So if you get along, why shouldn't they?  It has to do with physics, long drawn out theories of friction and I am pretty sure the theory of relativity. Don't ponder this too much or your head will explode. Just accept it and move on. The same way you accept gravity or expiry dates on milk. You can't prove it and it defies logic but its truth remains. 
Second of all, this rule helps you follow rule number two. Because following rule number 2 requires thought about who you share your opinion with (more specifics of this to come in later rules).  
 I have provided you with a list here but you may need to modify it based on your individual circumstances.  

1. Friends who you can say anything to.

2. Friends you can say some things to.

3. Friends with whom you need to pretend you don't speak very good English. (This works particularly well for me, as I live in a country where I am the one with an accent. This allows me to assume the best about someone when I think they may have said something very mean. I just blame it on their accent and move on. Thus, successfully following rule number 1. If you are not a foreigner where you live, it will be much harder to explain away other's meanness. Perhaps you could try reorganizing their words into a different order? Or you could blame it on not being up to date with the colloquialisms of the day. Because let's face it, we have all been a bit behind, cool became fat or phat or whatever. So you can never really be sure if someone is being mean or if you just missed the memo on the changed word meaning. 

4. Friends with whom you should never have anything to say, about any subject, at any time.  This may seem difficult, so here is what I suggest: When enjoying this friends company all you have to do is put all of your opinions out of your mind  Then, if at some point, this friend asks you for your opinion, it is best to quote a line from a movie such as "I said a dozen cookie robots not... arg. Why...why are you so old?" then laugh loudly. Or  "When in Rome..." or "Yes. I am relieved to know I am not a golum." or "You can't fight in here! This is the war room!" or "I am not a smart man but I know what love is" or "Gentlemen, I may not have a brain but I have a plan." This, hopefully, will get them laughing, talking about the film and possibly a lively round of quote battling. A warning here though, because some movie quotes can get you into much worse trouble like "You can't handle the truth!" or "I wish I could quit you." or "Think McFly, think!"

Remember, you should try to  keep these friend categories separate.  You need to know, if you do mix them, they may start sharing information about you. The category 1 friends  might tell the category 4 friends that you do have an opinion and then they will march over to you and demand your opinion right then and there.

This is a level 6 breach and requires immediate retreat. Yes, even if they are all at your house and you are cooking for them - just run out the door and down the street. (You should run practice drills of a level 6 breach with your spouse so your house doesn't burn down. I recommend a monthly drill.)  

SKIP THIS IF YOU TALK IN MOVIES (because this is clearly in violation of rule number 2)

As a side note about friends and movies, try to avoid going to the movies with friends who like to talk. You will have to suppress the urge to punch them in the throat. Now this is a very scary feeling for an optimist/nice person because we are generally non-violent. If you must take the talker to a movie (because you love them and you like spending time with them and they may eventually suggest you go see a movie), make sure to see it first, enjoy it, absorb it, study it and then you are ready to sit back and have the experience ruined. Also, you are then very well prepared for their questions. When they say "Who is that?" you can say with confidence. "That is the villain. He is going to kill her soon!" You will not only impress them but make them happy and then you are back on track to remaining an optimist/nice person.

Geek Gods and a Terminally Ill Camera

I wasn’t going to post anything today because… I don’t know, I thought maybe… you all needed a break?

But then, we went shopping yesterday. Recently, I have been wasting hours and hours trying to rescue Amelia’s baby videos which we captured on 8mm tapes despite the fact that it had digital capabilty. Now, a brief history of a long running…conversation… between Alan and me:

‘Hey, Al, I think this thing takes digital video.’

‘No, sorry Babe, it doesn’t.’

‘But… it says digital right here on the side, see? “Digital8 USB streaming”.’

‘I know, but that is not what it means.’

‘Yeah… but it has a place for a memory stick right here, see.’

‘Yeah, I see, but that is just to take still images and we have a camera for that.’

‘Okay… but…’

So the first four years of her life are recorded on 8mm tapes (until I went and bought a memory stick, secretly). They are terrible quality and the video camera is making threats that it will die at any moment. You know, moaning when you turn it on and acting confused when you ask it to play… SO, I am terrified that we will be unable to make digital copies of them and all my attempts to do so have failed. (Except briefly last year where I had successfully captured several hours’ worth but can’t remember how I did it!)

So we go shopping.

We try the usual retail store where Amelia is amused because she can play on all the gaming consoles and Macs. But the very cool salesman at that store says he can’t help us. Taking pity on us, he pulls us aside to a quiet corner and discloses the location of a super-secret geek agora where you can ask questions and buy obscure items.

So of course, we make the pilgrimage to this store. Amelia, who thought we were headed home, looks up from her portable DVD player to find we are at yet another store. To which she lets us know calmly and without screaming that we are torturing her.

‘Is there anything in there that I can play with?’ She implores, to which my husband replies,

‘No, this isn’t like the other stores. This place is SERIOUS.’

 I mock him mercilessly, first of all, for assuming he knows what is in this tech Parthenon and because a little bit of his geek starts showing.

So we enter. I am pretty sure a choir sings a sustained multilayered harmony of the high C. Alan lets a little more of his inner geek out and strolls up to the counter to ask for what we need. Of course he can’t remember. So he has to awkwardly fish out of his pocket the card given to us by our informant. To show the man, who doesn’t speak English, the list of what we need. This guy looks at us with such pity and just the perfect amount of disdain that we wander off into the rows of geek treasures with our heads low and sufficiently reprimanded. Alan takes the opportunity to whisper in my ear,

‘See, I told you this place was serious!’ I nod but keep my head down.

Despite the fact we have failed our initiation to the geek temple,  we think that if we wander around the magical shiny store long enough, the equipment we need will eventually walk up to us and introduce itself.

However, when you walk around a geek agora the geeks will spot you, like your immune system spotting a virus. We make our way through several of these geeks who all confirm we are doomed to fail. But WE WILL NOT SURRENDER!

SO we wander a bit further until we meet him… You know… Him. We found him. The geek guru. We knew we found him because he towered above the rest of the geek gods by an additional five feet (and he looked a little like a young Santa!). As we approach, he spreads his arms wide and give us a welcoming, confident, “I can fix anything” smile. We regal him with my tale of woe but as we speak his face falls. We show him our ancient video camera and he almost falls to his knees.

‘I don’t know what to tell you.’ He says, his face ashen. We hang our heads in defeat and thank him anyway and begin to walk away. But he says ‘NO! You can’t leave! I can’t let you leave without helping you.’  We pause mid step, hopeful but slightly afraid we will never be allowed to leave.

He takes us to a large towering shelf where he searches for a solution to our problem. A customer is already there inspecting the merchandise. (A real geek customer not like us… he knows he should be there.) The Geek God tells our tale of woe to the REAL customer who clucks his tongue and says,

‘Well, there is a museum down the road. You could try there next.’

To which I reply, ‘HEY!’

And the Geek God says, ‘Thanks for saying that because I’m not allowed to say things like that…’

To which I say ‘h…h…hey.’ but quietly so as not to offend the god.

He tries valiantly. But in the end he fails and says there is no hope… ‘because Microsoft and Sony don’t care about you! And why should they? What would happen to capitalism if they did?’ He seems upset so we begin backing towards the door. (Don’t turn your back on geek gods when they are explaining the pros and cons of capitalism.) As we near the door the proper geek customer asks us how we faired. We hang our heads and tell him our pilgrimage has failed and now we must return home to our melting video tapes and terminally ill camera.

He says ‘Let me see that.’ We offer him our relic. He inspects it, asks a few questions and THEN he says ‘All you need to do is use a pjdjflu and a hfdbb. Connect it up and install the kdfhknh software. But make sure you go online and get the upgrade ‘cause the jdhfyrnr is crap.’ I nod excited. He rolls his eyes because he knows I don’t understand and says, ‘the thing that he [the Geek God] was showing you, the “hopage”.

‘The hapage??’ I say walking back to the shelves.

‘Ho-pp-age!!’ He yells. To which I nod enthusiastically because I can’t bear to tell the nice man I still have NO idea what he is saying. We head back to the magical shelf and look at a few of the things the Geek God showed us. And then I see it, in all its sparkling glory. It is a cord made by a company called Hauppauge! I had found it! I passed the first of the geek god’s tests!

We take our treasure up to the counter where the man is still making his purchase. He praises us for our cleverness and then says 'Now all you need to do is jdmnhd the sflshd and then flfdflb the ndzxn and you are on your way! Good luck!’  And then he disappeared! Perhaps this was the true Geek God and the other guy was his double. You know to protect him from an assassination. They didn’t look alike but maybe that doesn’t matter…

We did eventually figure out what jdmnhd and sflshd was and I am rescuing the tapes as I write this very moment! Thank you Geek Gods!!

Just when we though the day couldn't get any weirder, on the way home... to be continued.

 

Rule Number 3 – Avoid all scary movies. You can catch the occasional crime show but keep this to a minimum. If at any stage while viewing a television show or movie or reading a book you start to think that the world is really fucked up, people are just too mean and sadistic and we deserve to have the ozone layer disintegrate around us… STOP WATCHING! You will be teetering on the edge of cynicism and, before you know it, you will be sporting the latest sneer and flipping old people off for driving too slow. I’m afraid if you have gone this far there will be no hope for you and you should just resign yourself to sitting in your basement listening to rap music or that Heavy metal CD with the really mad screaming people. (I should mention at this point, if you want to remain an optimist, you should avoid almost all rap  and screaming music… sorry) Also, a good indication of a problem is, you have started using the term ‘fucked up’. Nice people don’t do this.

 I would at this point like to have a brief discussion about swearing. I stand by my statement that nice people do not swear. However, I would like to point out there are certain circumstances where only a swear word will do. In these times you should ask: 'Will using a swear word make me a more optimistic or nice person in the end?' If the answer is yes, swear away. Here are some of the occasions this could be the case:
1. You hear on the news that someone has done something terrible to a child. By- the- way if you are really serious about becoming an optimist / nice person you really should not be following the news. This can often be worse than watching a scary movie because now apparently real people are doing horrible stuff to other real people. This is totally counterproductive to becoming an optimist. You have to believe the best about people (I will explain this rule later) and the news will make you doubt every time. People may argue that it is your civic responsibility to keep abreast of current events. But I say  Is it? Is it my civic responsibility? What is civic responsibility? Taking care of the homeless? Making sure orphans have love and food? Fighting for the freedom of child soldiers? These this are important but has watching the news ever made you actually do any of theses things? OR Is it my civic responsibility to be terrified that  " 'an unnamed until 11pm' household cleaner could be responsible for keeping my child from going to college... ever..."  And then I might stick my tongue out at them. I mean 'Yes civic responsibility is important!' with a nice person smile.
Anyway, about swearing, It is (even as an optimist/nice person) appropriate to call that terrible child-hurting person a name in your head. Now if the story has made you cry, a verbal name calling can be very cathartic and promote more holistic, optimistic and general niceness.
2. An inanimate object has suddenly come to life and decided to attack your toe. If you don't swear here the pain stays in your toe and eventually the toe may die of gangrene. So in this case it is life or limb saving.
3. To make a point. I may swear occasionally in this blog but it will only be to make a point. And since it is mainly my sisters reading this blog, and they love me no matter what, I feel ok about this. Mom, I am sorry about the swearing but sometimes there is no other word. I still love and respect you though.

 

Since today is my… oops, I mean our 16^th anniversary, I thought I would give you a break from the rules and give you some thoughts about marriage. How have we stayed married for 16 years?

1.       I correct myself when I say ‘my’ anniversary instead of ‘our’.

2.       We sleep in separate beds – now those of you who just clucked your tongue at me, just think, a full night’s sleep and waking to birds singing. You yawn and get out of bed and go to greet your daughter and tell her in a loving voice to get dressed for school. She runs off happily to get dressed while telling you what she is excited about doing at school that day. And you look at her with eyes of love. Your husband joins you to make her lunch and you send her off to school with smiles and love.  

Or it is 4 am you have gotten about twenty minutes of sleep you are glaring staring at your spouse who is snoring, ON PURPOSE of course. Because everyone snores on purpose at 4 am. And why is he moving the blankets? He is always complaining about being too hot and now he has all the blankets, CLEARLY, so that you are tortured and cold all night long. Now you are contemplating all of the other ways your spouse does mean things ON PURPOSE. Like that horrible sound he makes when he is eating. Or when he puts the lid on the mayonnaise too tight ON PURPOSE. So that when you go to make a sandwich, you are wondering why we live in a dictatorship and security has been increased on all jars, especially mayonnaise. And then you think ‘hey I don’t live in a dictatorship; my husband is just trying to make me crazy so he doesn’t have to be married to me anymore. Yeah, he must be trying to get me locked up in a mental institution where I will wander the halls screaming about mayonnaise jars.’

You have finally fallen back asleep and then wake and realize you have over slept. So you shove him out of bed because he is mean and deserves to be awakened that way. You run screaming to the living room “CHILD, GET DRESSED NOW!!” she is a little offended at being greeted this way in the morning and decides that the best way to protest is to pretend she is a dog and crawl to her room. Then inspect one of her toys she hasn’t bothered to play with in years. You try to remain calm but your mind, which has had no sleep, is now confused and you think your daughter is now part of the conspiracy to put you in a mental institution. So you decide the best way to get her moving is a healthy dose of sarcasm. “Oh yeah, that is great! Really great getting dressed! Apparently, you have decided to wear pajamas instead of your school uniform!’

You yell at your husband (under your breath of course because children should not see their mother yell at their father) as you try to get the mayonnaise lid off to make a sandwich for HIS daughter. He is confused and opens the jar for you. But now you are still mad, so you need something else to bring up. So you remember what made you mad last week and bring that up. Then you all go your separate ways to survive the day.

So we sleep separately.

3.       I try to avoid any medication that makes me want to divorce him. This may seem easy but doctors keep giving me pills and saying “This won’t make you gain weight and should not affect your mood too much”. Then one month later I have gained ten pounds and I am contemplating divorce over a phone bill… I apologize later (but my point was still valid even if it was drug induced).

4.       I try to avoid asking “What are you thinking?” for obvious reasons.

5.       We make sure to remind each other what a sophisticated couple we are and keep a healthy dose of disdain for those couples. You know those couples…

6.       I try not to be a psycho and attribute other people’s idiocy to my husband. For example, I was starting to get really mad at him the other day and I said “You are just trying to seem nice but really you are mean and then I will be like oh he is nice and then suddenly you will be mean.” And he said.

 “I think you had way too many crazy mean friends and you need to remember that I am not like them and actually love you.”

To which I replied brilliantly and with eloquence “Well, yeah but… Well… still… I think… but…” because for once, his logic was pretty solid.

7.       We cuddle. Get your mind out of the gutter (you know who you are), like real cuddles. (We have a class on this if you need it.)

8.       We are aware of each other’s strengths and weaknesses. For example, I make sure I only bring up the future if he is walking. Otherwise he will panic, start pacing the room and eventually his mind may actually explode. And when I am a raving lunatic he makes sure to offer me coffee or protein and then asks what is wrong. Otherwise, I will start ranting about the world coming to an end and start running naked in the street.

I am sure there are experts out there who will give you better advice but 16 years is pretty good. In Hollywood years it’s like 50!

Rule Number 2 – Avoid drama. Now I can see that you may think this is exactly like the first rule. But I assure you the difference is critical. I think of drama as having caused conflict despite having followed rule number one to the letter. Sometimes, in the course of trying to be a nice person, you have inadvertently helped too much, said the wrong helpful thing, Or, even worse, the sound of your voice or your intonation has reminded them of a truly hated person, they don’t realize it, they just suddenly hate you. In which case, you may be confronted with a raving lunatic. If this occurs, do not under any circumstances try and make your point of view clearer, just apologise! You don’t even need to know why. Just say I am so sorry in as many ways and in as many languages as you can think of. I have included a list of multilingual apologies for you to peruse at your leisure. Then try to maintain a sort of bowing profile: keep your body low and eyes down. You never know, avoiding eye contact could mean the difference between life and death in these moments.

 Before accessing the guide below, I should warn you that I found these words using Word's helpful 'translate tool'. Now I can't vouch for it's accuracy particularly because often I find Word has (in an attempt to be helpful) made up new rules randomly. For instance, recently, I wrote this sentence : "They were not paying any attention to me, they were more focused on themselves." not the most epic of sentences, I realize. But Word insists with it's bossy green line that I should change themselves to them... SO I don't always trust Word... so these may be wrong... Which has the potential to put you in a position of breaking this very rule. Sorry...

Also, I feel politically correctly obligated to state that this is not an exhaustive list. However, if you find yourself needing to apologize in Chamicuro, then you have some major people skill problems and may, I am sorry to say, be beyond help.

Multilingual Apology Guide

Sorry - English 

Pardon – French

Siehe – German

Συγνώμη – Greek

מצטער – Hebrew

क्षमा करें – Hindi

Bocsánat – Hungarian

Maaf – Indonesian

Scusa! -  Italian

사람 – Korean

îmi pare rău – Romanian

Извините - Russian

So here we go I have decided to begin my post with some rules. I know... I know.. no one likes rules. But I have noticed in my quest to be an optimist and a nice person that others are unsure about how to do this. So over the next few days I will give you some of my rules that may make your life a little easier. Starting of course with

Rule Number 1 – Avoid conflict. This is problematic because you must be able to spot conflict before it erupts. If you don’t see it coming, you are likely to be caught right in the middle of it with no way out except crying on the ground in a fetal position. (This does work but it is recommended that you use it only in emergencies… if you overuse it people will just think you are crazy.) So, learn to spot conflict. For instance, two friends are miscommunicating. I am assuming of course that you are a good communicator yourself. If not you will fail this step and there is no reason to continuing reading. At this point I wish you well, adieu, and other such words of goodbye mixed with endearment. If, however, you are a good communicator you should be able to see the germination of conflict before it occurs. It is important to then avoid these two particular friends any time that they are likely to meet and thus further their grounds for miscommunication. Now you may be thinking, ‘why don’t I just step in and clear up the misunderstanding?’ This is noble and I applaud you for your bravery. However, this will only lead to your demise. And brings me to another point: When trying to avoid conflict ALWAYS listen to the voice inside your head that says SHUT UP! It usually chimes in when you have a really good and noble thing to say about something you find important. You think, ‘I should really speak up about that’ and the other voice says ‘SHUT UP’. Always shut up.